CONFESSION

CONFESSION

“When I returned home that night and my wife, Surabhi, served me dinner, I held her hand and softly said, “I’ve got something to tell you.” She quietly sat down and started pecking at the food in front of her. Her eyes seemed to be reflecting unhappiness and the hurt in her eyes was easily visible.

Unexpectedly I didn’t know how to open my mouth to complete what I had to say. But I had to let her know what I had in mind. I wanted a divorce. I gathered up my complete courage and spoke my heart out to her very calmly indeed. She did not react to my words and infact didn’t seem to be annoyed also, instead she very gently asked me the reason, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the plate in front of her and shouted at me! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping and I knew she wanted to find out the reason as to what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer. I had lost my heart to Sara. I didn’t love her anymore, instead just pitied her!

With an unfathomable guilt, I got the divorce agreement drafted that stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company and handed it over to her. She looked at me, glanced at the mere piece of paper in her hand and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me, that very moment, seemed to be a complete stranger.  I felt sorry for her but could not go back from my decision as I loved Sara deeply. Not getting any relevant answer from me, she howled and screamed in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release from my own sense of guilt for the idea of divorce had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now, giving me a solid reason too.

The next day, I came back home late to find her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Sara. At mid night when I woke up, she was still there at the table busy writing. I just did not care and turned over to sleep.

In the morning, after I breakfast, she handed that paper on which were neatly written the conditions for her divorce: Inquisitively I went through it and was surprised at its text: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed only a month’s notice before the divorce. She further requested that in that one month, we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to remember how I had used to carry her into out to the living room for months after our marriage. On it she requested me that every morning for a month I should carry her out of our bedroom to the front door daily. This was indeed very a foolish demand. I thought she was going crazy and just to make that last month together bearable I accepted this peculiar request of hers.

I told Sara about these divorce conditions. She laughed and considered it to be absurd. She scornfully commented that no matter what ever tricks Surabhi applied, she will have to face this divorce.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared awkward. Our son seemed to be extremely happy and clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms and his words gave me a sense of pain that itched my heart. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I just walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went out towards her car to go to work while I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us felt much more comfortable with each other. She leaned on my chest and I could smell the sweet fragrance of her body. That particular moment, I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman, who is my wife, for a long time. I noticed that she was not young anymore and there were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was greying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

The fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. I definitely owed something to this the woman who had given ten years of her precious life to me. Similarly, the fifth and sixth day, the realization that our feeling of closeness was building up again. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I didn’t tell Sara about this.

One day, she was struggling with wardrobe, choosing what to wear to office. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed out loud, ‘all my dresses have grown bigger.’ That particular moment made me aware of her thin physique. The reason why I could carry her easily was that she had grown so thin.My consciousness hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I went up to her and touched her head. Why had she gone so weak?The next moment our son came in and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. The fear that I might change my mind at this last minute made me look away. I picked her up in my arms and walked from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body closely, the way I used to once after our marriage. But her light weight body perturbed me. How could I be so naïve not to notice this drastic change in her? 

It was the last day of the months’ notice, when I held her tightly in my arms, I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her closely tight for the realization had hit me hard that our life was perfect, it only lacked intimacy and closeness which I hadn’t noticed off. I rushed to office…. jumped out of the car not even bothering to lock it. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…Not even waiting for the lift, I hastily climbed up the stairs. Sara was in the office and I blurted out to her that I was indeed very sorry as I did not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. ‘Do you have a fever?’ She said. I moved her hand off my head. ‘Sorry, Sara, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the minute details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I have realized that I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.’ Sara felt offended, burst into tears. She slapped me hard on my face and left the office slamming the door on my face. I felt too relieved and walked downstairs to go home to share this news with Surabhi. On my way home I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife and bought an emotional card for her and wrote inside:

‘To my Dearest of Dears,

I know it may be difficult to believe right now, but I have realised that my love for you never faded and have honestly never loved anyone more than you. I have no excuse for what happened but I would request you to pick up from where we left off- and I promise that I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.’

Truly and only Yours

Rahul’

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I ran upstairs, only to find my wife lying peacefully in bed - dead. Surabhi had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy engrossed with Sara to even notice it. She knew that she would die soon and she entangled me into the entire situation just to save me from any negativity from our son, if in case we pushed through with the divorce. My head bowed down in shame because even when she was fighting with life, she was more worried about me and my prestige in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving and caring husband….

The Message……

The small details of our lives are what really matter in a relationship. Real soul-mates are those who bring out the best in you. They may not perfect but are definitely perfect for you. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank that give pleasure with a feeling of belongingness for these can only create an environmental conduciveness for happiness and comfortable living only. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other to keep that intimacy alive.

If you are not in a relationship now, remember this always because the real tragedy in life is that the only folks we really wound are those we love the most and we flatter those we scarcely know because in the race to please the fleeting guest we unknowingly hurt those who love and care for us the most.

“Wake up! It’s never too late.”

 ****************************************